Demon of the Fall…

So.. current plan of action..

Work. Re enroll at CCRI for the Fall (Pay them 400 bucks first!) then go from there. Still not quite sure what I want to do as far as a career. Still mildly leaning into the teaching field. Teaching what? Who knows. I have always enjoyed teaching people how to do things. But anyways.. I suppose as long as I go then I’ll be in the green.

Or red. Or blue. Or.

Whatevuh. Sleeping schedule is fucked. New job coming up.. hopefully I can hobble my way out of my little hole I’ve gotten into.

asdfghjkl;’

Shit.

Did I mention I hate people? I wish I had no desire to be around people or even have to talk to them. Unfortunately that isnt the case. People are fucked up and I happen to be one socially inept bastard. Go figure.

Hah.. I wrote this ages ago about the RIDMV. I was.. not pleased to say the least.

If I was ever going to kill a single group of people.. it’d be the workers at the DMV in West Warwick.

After about.. 2 hours or so of waiting.. finally go up.

The lady is sitting there.. takes a minute for her to respond as she lazily gazes around at the papers I hander her. Suddenly she stops for a moment, still not really saying anything. Slowly she peels her gigantic ass from her perch to put on her sweatshirt thats glued to the back of her cheap office chair. This endeavor takes much longer than it should for a normal person to put on a fucking sweatshirt.

Lo and behold.. she plops her ass back down, half the time talking to her mentally challenged co-worker about the bridge that collapsed recently. She claims in the “next Katrina” to her co-worker who is obviously enthralled by her immense knowledge of national matters. They chit chat back and forth while she lazily guides he stumpy meat lumps over the keyboard, pecking at keys here and there.

She then slowly looks up, probably the second or third time shes even acknowledged me being there to ask me if I have financial responsibility. I say “Yes” because.. well.. I figure I do. Apparently this is a question in disguise and has alot to do with “Are you over 18.” Apparently I don’t read minds well enough to figure it out. She goes through a whole tirade about have my ZX3423 forms in yet, and I need to go find said form or wait until it reaches the Pawtucket DMV office. Confused as fuck, I proceed to ask her what the fuck form she was babbling about, as I don’t live at the DMV and know each form by its numerical association. Apparently this is an insurance form that is supposed to reach the Pawtucket DMV, mainly since im under 18 and it has to go to about 3 places before it reaches the DMV. So she continues explaining in some half assed manner, obviously not giving a shit and just reciting some pre-programmed bullshit.

Next to me my mother has apparently found a flight manual and an air map sitting on the counter which she hands to our teller’s mildly retarded friend. Our teller quickly stops whatever her job is to ask what it is.. to which she replies “Oh damn, was it an Ay-rab who left it here!? This is serious we may have to call the FBI.”

Meanwhile im still standing here trying to figure out what the fuck shes telling me to do and trying my hardest NOT to commit some heinous hate crime in front of about 50 other people.

Eventually I just give up and take my papers back, she hands me some phone number to the Pawtucket DMV and tells me to call, and she doesnt have a clue about much else.

So what have I learned?

The DMV sucks. They hire idiots who dont really give two shits about their job. “Fuck, im a state worker.. I can do what I want. I take five breaks a day to see how many vanity plates I can fit into my obnoxiously large ass.”

This woman is infinitely on my shit list. She spent more time chatting with her fat mildly retarded Dungeons and Dragons co-worker than actually doing her job.

Apparently insurance companies and the DMV have never heard of the fucking internet, and its too complex to just electronicly mail or fax the info over. It needs to use the archaic postal service of America to get the job done over a three week span (The postal workers obviously dont give a fuck either, they just ride around in their little cars all day)

And finally.. a bridge collapsing is our next big national disaster.. right up there with a whole city being destroyed by flooding.

If I ever see that fucking lady again, im probobly going to run her over. If her fat DnD friend is there too I’ll be much obliged to make it a double homicide.

Why do we even celebrate the 4′th of July anymore? I’d be surprised if a majority of the Americans who do celebrate it even know what the fuck they’re doing.

Just because you went to LOL-Mart and got yourself a bunch of American Flags and dinnerware in no way makes you a Patriot.

Anyways. Hopefully heading back to CCRI just so I can get some sort of bullshit degree under my belt and continue learning German.. maybe something else. Just another one of my indecisive moves. No big surprise there. Life has been getting better.. das mutter finally found a job. Tons of concerts coming up in the following months too.
George Carlin died.. probably the most depressing thing I’ve had to deal with all year. Ah well. He was an old grumpy motherfucker anyways.

Erraahh.. fuck.. brain.. melting. Too much boredom lately. Need to find a new job or change something up. Think I’ll start waking up a bit earlier and going to wander around outside instead of staring holes into my wall. Need to go find some new books at the bookstore..

Either way. Finally some sort of clarity as for what I want and need to do in the coming months. Now the fun part is getting there..

Waiting for Fall.

All is right with the world.

Its always funny to see how my mood changes day to day via what I post. I go from the pits of ass to doing cartwheels then back to shit again.

Its been awhile. Though you could say it hasnt or it has… not much of a matter.

Been working quite a bit and not really getting anywhere. Thinking I’ll start looking for a job as a bartender soon. Hopefully that’ll make me a bit more cash. I get to go to traffic court on Monday morning and hopefully see if they’ll not rape me on my insurance.. else I might as well just shoot the place up because I’ll be 100% fucked. I can barely pay the 300$ a month I owe now. And for what? Going 45 MPH down a hill? Yeah. Its a fuckin hill officer. Thanks.
You’ll be glad you protected and served when I come firebomb your house and axe your family. It’s cool. Just doing your job.

I try not to think about it but it does make a huge difference. Right now my expenses are the 300 or so I pay for car insurance (Cant find any lower unless I go on somebody elses plan.. then it needs to be re-registered to somebody else) and my tuition which boils down to about another.. 300 or so a month. Thats already more than I’ll be able to pull in a month at my current job.. nevermind driving to work and school at 4$ a gallon. I simply see no way to do this. Even if I was netting a bit more cash I’d still be in a world of fuck. Moreso since my grandparents tossed me a little bit to help me along with college - which I’ve so far failed miserably at due to poor attendance.

So whats a nigga’ to do?

No clue. If things keep going the way they do I’ll probably just fail my way out of all of my financial aid and end up stuck in the shitpit.

This is called FullOfThink not FullOfBitch.

Im probably going to take some time and write out something a bit more thought out than me going “FUCK YOU I HATE YOU AND YOUR DOG”

Point in case.. I was just lent the Ron Paul book. I shall read and comment on this.

That is all.

(Ron Paul)

Nothing much new here. Its almost 4am and im tired as hell. Nothing much to report in.. except boredom and sleep.. not enough of it.

Went to see Opeth. Probably one of the best live shows of my life.. but.. what did you expect me to say?

As I will list.. nothing has changed
I still…

- Have shit for money

- Spend all of my time on work and school

- Listen to Opeth like a fiend

- Hate people with a passion

- Am an asshole.

Hopefully we’ll see how it comes out by the end of the semester.. I’ve spent so much  time working that my grades have kinda.. gone to shit.  Its hard to be in a field demanding creativity when you’ve worked and gone to school all day. The only things I can come up with at 11pm end up being some sort of violent manifestation of how my day went.

Anyways.. taking tommorow off from work so I can get some of this work done and.. do something of some sort. Too much backed up shit to do and not enough energy.

Need to look into getting some sort of health insurance too. Money isnt bad, but its still pretty rediculous. With the price of gas going up im not even going to be able to afford to pay my tuition.. so who knows what’ll happen there. Im pretty much at the point where I dont give a fuck either way. The only thing reliable in my life is depression and my hostile nature torwards pretty much everyone around me.

What to do.. what to do..

Well, I went to New York City (Manhattan) on Saturday.. also on about an hour of sleep only (Not an exaggeration either). Ride wasnt bad.. but I really didnt like it. I love Providence.. but NYC was just..  trash. Its a melting pot - and not in a good way. To me it seemed as if they somehow managed to take every single thing I loathe about society and put it all in one place. Buildings… overbundant materialism… complete lack of natural order. It was an amazingly place.. but I wouldnt weep if one day it were to be gone.

Works been.. work. Not bad.. not great. I do my job.. I do it well… but I dont rush and I dont deal well with people yelling at me. Maybe a subconcious from my past? But whenever somone yells at me for something my immediate reaction is some sort of fierce anger torwards them. I ended up being 3-4 minutes over my 15 minute break. Yeah.. it takes about a minute to get to Subway.. or anywhere. So thats two minutes over.. and then about 5-6 for them to make the sandwich and get through the line. That doesnt leave me long to eat and get back.
Take the fucking stick out of your ass for fucks sake.

Which leads into another thing.. not related to sticks and asses.. but more or less college. So far I’ve been enjoying NEIT. Its not great, but its not bad. Im learning something interesting. But here comes the point that I’ve been fearing for awhile.. im getting bored of it. I dont think its something I’d like to do for the rest of my life.. and I guess I really dont know at all what I want to do as a career. Im a jack of all trades - master of none. I dont really have a drive to master any one thing.. I like to learn about something then go onto the next. So.. my current plan is to finish out this semester and go from there. I really dont feel like shelling out all that money to go there anymore. If I can get back to CCRI or even somewhere like RIC or URI I think I’d be better off… who knows. I’ve got.. some time to figure it out I guess.

On a happier note.. I went to RiRa with Donnagh today to help her fix her computer.. she plays in a traditional Irish session band there every Sunday afternoon which was amazing. A few beers and I’d be dancing all around. The food was great, the atmosphere was great, and the music was too. After that we went and hung out at Lupo’s to see some oldschool hip-hop artist go at it. Wasnt bad.. wasnt good. It was.. eh. Looking at possibly getting me a job working at Lupos. Who knows. I need to work somewhere with some sort of insurance. As of now I have none.

Things are just kind of.. flowing back into their old way again. I think I have some sort of wanderlust.. I cant stay in one place and focus on one thing at once. I need to wander, see, do incredibly dangerous and stupid shit to keep life interesting.

I dont think I’ll change soon.. most people dont change. You cant hope or try to get them too. It’ll only lead to hell in the end.

Live, love, accept.

This is life - not your fucking fantasy world.

So.

Much has been going on. And all the same.. nothing. I lost my wallet.. which kinda puts me into a spot of shit till I get most of it replaced. Who knows.. it’ll probably turn up eventually somewhere completely rediculous. The biggest pain in the ass is my check that was in there.

I’ve been hanging about in Portsmouth lately which has been fun. Food, good times in the basement and the most comfortable couch in existance. But alas I’ve found myself incredibly pissed off and hostile lately. Probably from a lot of undue stress  and unhealed wounds.. but it’ll pass with time like everything else. I’ll go back up there in a few weeks probably.  I need to relax before I break something or somebody. I can already see myself turning into the Hulk of assholery and hatred.

But at least I’ve got my cat.

Schools going good.. alright. I work too much to really get anything quality done for any of my classes so I end up turning in half-assed work and getting B range grades when I could easily be getting 100’s. But whatever - I cant do much about that except try to slip in more effort here and there..

Other than that… nothing much. I cant wait till the guys all come back from college.. its been too long. As much as we both may have changed.. almost to polar opposites I still miss Tench’s nervous laughs and awkward demeanor. I spent too much time with him to ever really let our friendship or anything like it fade away.
Going to see Type O Negative at Lupo’s with Bekbek next Friday… then Opeth on the 20′th. PowerGlove and a few other good acts are coming through soon enough also. That’ll keeped me strapped for cash if I even have it..

Well.. and Poison with Claudia. Decidedly hanging out with her and Britt more.. they’re cool peoples. I really regret ever stop talking to Claudia in the first place.. shes one of the most amazing people I’ve met in my life. I think I need to make up for lost time.

Ah well. I’ve got too much to say to some…

But I think the time for words has passed.

Talk is cheap motha’fucka.

In the corner beside my window
There hangs a lonely photograph
There is no reason
I’d never notice
A memory that could hold me back

There is a wound that’s always bleeding
There is a road I’m always walking
And I know you’ll never return to this place

Gone through days without talking
There is a comfort in silence
So used to losing all ambition
Struggling to maintain what’s left

Once undone, there is only smoke
Burning in my eyes to blind
To cover up what really happened
Force the darkness unto me

Just kidding sorta’. Im not that angry or miserable of a person. Just in a bad mood and I need a hug. Kitten tries.. but shes got stubby arms.